Monday, July 22, 2013

Just Let Me Cry



I had hoped to share some luscious baby photos here as part of my photo-a-day challenge.  
When I decided to complete that challenge in July, our family had been selected by a birthmother and we were joyfully anticipating the arrival of a little girl, to be born this month.  I washed tiny baby clothes/blankets/burp cloths, prepared the bassinet, and dreamed of the new addition to our family.  We have been praying for this miracle for years and it was finally here!  Finally our turn!

After meeting the birthmother, she seemed to like our family even more.  She was especially smitten with our sweet Ellie.  And can you blame her?  There is not an 8-year-old girl on earth more awesome than Ellie (in my opinion...).

We were present in the hospital when the baby was born.  We held her just moments after she took her first breath.  We fell in love instantly.  It was beautiful.

That night (after some of our family was able to meet our sweet bundle) I woke up often, restless and anxious to have her close to me again.  And every time I awoke, the name we'd chosen for our baby immediately popped into my head.  I'd snuggle back under the covers, dreaming of the moment she'd be offically ours.

But that was not to be. 

 We received word the next afternoon that the birthmother was on the fence.  She still loved our family and didn't want to hurt us, but she couldn't bear to part with the baby.
And we completely understood.  
I will never forget that moment.

I hung up the phone and tried to pray. 
All I could say, between sobs, was, "Please....please...".

She made her official decision on Friday; she would parent after all.  
Our hearts were broken.  
We never thought we'd have to face this pain again.

We have spent the past few days grieving.  Jason and I have both burst into tears unexpectedly (for example: I completely broke down in the middle of church.  Not pretty).  Every day we cry a little less and feel a little more hope and peace for our family.  After all we've been through, I know more than ever that God has a plan for each of us.  Everything happens for a reason.

As I was washing dishes--and crying--on Saturday, this song came on the radio.  I'd never heard it before, but it touched my heart at just the time I needed it. 
This is exactly how I've been feeling the past few days:

Just Let Me Cry
-Hillary Weeks


I believe that everything happens for a reason. 

We’re not just tossed by the wind, 
or left in the hands of fate. 
But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected. 
And we’re forced to face our deepest pain. 


When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under... 

I dig my heels in deep, 
and I fight to keep my ground. 
Still, at times the hurt inside grows stronger. 
And there’s nothing I can do but let it out... 


Just let me cry. 



I know it’s hard to see. 

But the pain I feel isn’t going away today. 
Just let me cry. 
Till every tear has fallen. 
Don’t ask when... 
and don’t ask why. 
Just let me cry. 


When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me. 

I understood that there would be a chance that it would break. 
But I know He knows exactly how I’m feeling... 
And I know in time He’ll take the pain away. 


But for now... 

Just let me cry. 

I know it’s hard to see. 
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today. 
Just let me cry. 
Till every tear has fallen. 

Don’t ask when... 
and don’t ask why. 

Just let me cry. 


I have felt joy, 

the kind that makes my heart want to sing. 
And so my tears are not a surrender, 
I’ll feel that way again. 


But for now... 

For this moment... 
Just let me cry. 
I know it’s hard to see. 
But the pain I feel. 
Isn’t going away today. 
Just let me cry. 
Till every tear has fallen. 
Don’t ask when... 
and don’t ask why. 
                                                                      Just let me cry.


     Thank you to our family and dear friends for the many hugs and kind words as we struggle through.



                                                         Everything happens for a reason.


8 comments:

  1. Sweet Heidi,
    I can't begin to imagine the emotions you have felt over the last several days!! I am so sorry friend! I just wanted to thank you for your example and spirit. I found your post today and song just at the time I needed it. I'll keep you and your sweet family in my thoughts and prayers!

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    1. Leann, I'm so glad that song helped you, too. I can't tell you how many times I've listened to it over the past couple of days!

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  2. My heart is aching for you, my friend. Cry away. Grieve away. I am so sorry. You are in my prayers.

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    1. Thank you, Courtney. Your prayers are so appreciated!

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  3. Heidi,

    You have every right to be heart broken. Something that has helped me deal with loss is to allow myself to imagine in detail the thing my heart longs for. In my imaginary world everything works out just the way I want it to. It is a comforting substitute even though it is not the real thing. I acknowledge my heart's desires when I use my imagination in this way.

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    Replies
    1. Andrea, What a beautiful idea! I love it. Thanks for sharing.

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  4. Heidi, you are an inspiration. Best of everything to you and your sweet family.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for your kind words, Melissa.

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