Sunday, January 1, 2012

One of Those Days

I don't often talk about our infertility struggles.  It's not an easy topic to discuss as it's very personal and I have a hard time imagining anyone would really want to hear me complain about it.  So most of my posts are positive and upbeat.  I generally just brag about our adorable children or my amazing husband. And for the most part I don't let myself dwell on the fact that we'll never have another biological child.  I am incredibly blessed, and I realize that.

But today is just one of those days.  I have talked to several friends/relatives/neighbors/complete strangers this week who are expecting babies (and I really am thrilled for you friends/relatives/neighbors and strangers, please don't take this the wrong way!). It seems like literally everyone we know either just had a baby or is about to. (Logically, I know this is not true.)  I'm having baby-jealousy issues. At times I feel like infertility is a punishment for not being patient enough with the children I do have. I am longing for a child I don't have; a feeling that is very difficult to explain.  I know our family is not complete but have no way of knowing when/how/if a child will join us.  

We are getting ready to accept foster placements again.  This is a decision I am both excited and anxious about.  Am I ready to do this again?  Or this?  I'm not sure my heart can handle another heartbreak like that.  

Rather than dwelling in this hum-drum state, I need to count my blessings.  Here are two big ones:

{on an nature walk with my little crazies.  They decided to practice their hoity-toity faces for some reason}

These kiddos are miracles.  I try to remember that every day.  Why is it that I can't always be content with these two?  What is it that makes me so heartbroken when I need only look into their grubby faces to know I am incredibly blessed by a loving Father in Heaven?  We have known so many incredible couples who hope and pray and long for one child.  And I have TWO!  

At times I am overwhelmed by the many ways I have been blessed throughout my life.  I have an incredible husband, a beautiful warm home, the blessing to stay home with my children (AND be their "teacher"!) and soak up many joyful moments with them each day. I have a loving family, amazing parents and parents-in-law.  Supportive and fun siblings and siblings-in-law.  I have no right to feel sorry for myself, to wallow in thoughts of what I don't have.  

So, while I am taking the rest of the evening to think about the year ahead and make some goals, I needed to clear my head and heart of this sorrow.  And to remind myself to quit feeling sorry for myself.  I adore Marjorie Pay Hinckley and think often of these words:

“The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to 
 laugh. Crying gives me a headache.” 
― Marjorie Pay Hinckley

I don't know what is in store for our family.  But as I look back and see how my life has always turned out better than I could have planned, I have faith that the future will be fantastic.

Thank you for listening to my rants, patiently letting me steal your babies for a few moments of snuggle time and allowing me to climb out of the self-pity pit I fell into this afternoon.  
Life is good, God is great, and I am happy.

**And now, back to our regular program of cheerful updates on our family, complete with many exclamation points!**


  1. Heidi,

    Don't been too hard on yourself. We all need to allow a little bit of "mourning" for our own personal trials. You are one of the best people I know when it comes to being both patient with your kids, and enjoying them for the blessings that they are! Your day will come, one way or another. We're all praying for it. Love you!

  2. I just wanted to offer my love and support. I shed a few tears for you tonight.


  3. I agree with Mindy, don't be too hard on yourself. You are a wonderful mom, much more patient, creative, interactive, attentive than I am. I honestly feel like you are a much better mother than I am, so maybe the flipside is maybe you are such a good mother you don't need the extra practice, I feel like Heavenly Father is blessing us with another girl because I need to learn more patience.

  4. " I am longing for a child I don't have; a feeling that is very difficult to explain."

    I get this. 100%. There's an empty chair at our table every single meal and it feels lopsided and out of sorts. I don't have fertility issues, so I can't truly empathize with that, but I understand loss and not having what you always envisioned.