Friday, July 31, 2009

A Rant...

I'm feeling the need to vent about something and hope you won't mind. I am generally not easily offended, but there is a scenario that happens to us fairly frequently lately, and I don't like it.

Often when we run into old acquaintances, or meet someone new, the topic of Ethan's adoption will come up. (Mostly because Ellie still loves to talk about how he's "stuck to us" and she'll bring it up with anyone and everyone, so I feel the need to fill in some of the details.) Inevitably, they will ask one of the following questions, or something like it: "Where is his "real mom"?" or "Is there any chance his "real mom" could come back into the picture?" I generally say something like, "Nope! He's ours forever!" or "His birth mother's rights were terminated. So he's not going anywhere!"

But what I want to say is: "Can we define "Real Mom"? His "real mom" is the woman that brought him home from the hospital, the one who fed him countless times in the middle of the night. She's the one that has changed thousands of diapers, and fed, bathed and clothed him every day of his life. She was overjoyed to see his first smiles and will never forget the first time he laughed. His "real mom" is the person that swaddled him, brags about how sweet and intelligent he is, takes him on walks, and pushes him in the swing. She's the one that has rocked him to sleep and sung him lullabies as many as 4 times a day for the past almost 9 months. His "real mom" reads him books. She talks to him in funny voices and makes silly faces and generally looks like a fool all without caring a single ounce about what the other people near her at the grocery store think; because those things make him smile and giggle. She is the one he looks for when he needs comfort. She has kissed his chubby cheeks hundreds of times every day. Ethan's "real mom" is the one that waited and prayed for years for him to join her family, and knew her prayers were answered the day his adoption was finalized. I'M his "real mom", thank you very much."

Obviously, this would not be an appropriate response. I know those people are just genuinely curious about his background (which is really not their business anyway) and don't mean to offend. It's just happened so often lately that I'm tired of it.

I feel much better and will hopefully not be so bothered in the future. Thanks!

8 comments:

  1. Oh, Heidi, I can SO see why that would bother you! Of course people don't mean to offend, but I would need to rant about that one too! I'm glad you could find an outlet for it! Isn't blogging wonderful?

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  2. Heidi,
    I can only imagine what that must be like. My dad and all of his siblings are adopted and I know my Grandma got questions like that all the time. She always told everyone that the Sealer in the temple told them that it is as if my Grandparents blood ran through their veins and they WERE the "real parents" so there has never been a need in our family to distinguish between the two. You are such a great person and Ethan is very lucky to have you as his mother.

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  3. My "favorite" thing about being an adoptive mom is that once people know your kids are adopted they feel that they can ask the most personal questions, as if your life is an open book. Like, "why cant you have your "own" kids, how much did he cost"....I always want to respond, "How much do you make?" or "How much is your house worth?" They "real" mom thing bugs me too, but I know that truly people are just interested and want to learn more about the special babies we get to be the lucky ones to bring into our homes. Sorry....little rant of my own there. :)

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  4. Gotta love a good rant. You're a better person than me. I probably would say something rude back. Love you!

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  5. Okay you're absolutely right!!! It takes more than genetics to be a mother! Its the dealing with the vomit, diapers, kissed boo boos, cooked meals, washed clothes etc. I know that I am already more of a mom to my girls than their biological mother ever was!

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  6. I LOVE your rant and we are there with you. People ask us the same all the time. Is "her mom" keep in contact etc. I love my kids so much no matter where they came from. Us mommies put up with a lot some times but all the tough days are overthrown to get kisses and be called mommy.

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  7. I agree 110%! There is a difference between a birth mother and a real mother. A real mother does EVERYTHING for her child! That isn't always a birth mother. Josh's birth mother is FAR from his real mother, she gave him up at a year old. It's not always the case where the birth mother is bad, but there is still a HUGE difference between a real mom and birth mom in adoption cases! You are Ethan's real mom and he is lucky to be stuck to you!! LOVE YOU GUYS!

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  8. Heidi,
    You are such a great mom and you are absolutely right that you are his "real mom." He is so blessed to have you. I love you lots!

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